"Hey, a robin landed on your porch! He took one look at your plant, rolled his eyes, and flew off." #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 4, 2014

"I've got so many lovely black dresses. Make sure there's at least one wardrobe change at my funeral." #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 5, 2014

"Hi!" Round corner, find her waving back at a gold Beckoning Cat in a Chinese restaurant. "What are they all lookin' at?" #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 9, 2014

Apparently Nancy Grace has a very infuriating bobby pin. #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 6, 2014

Got the full download on Rick Steves' love life. #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 7, 2014

"Let's warm the dinner plates." "Nah. Who are we, the Rockefellers?" #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 7, 2014

"Let's go home and watch a Raymond." #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 8, 2014

@girlgloaming not sure why #momcameinjune isn't trending yet. Lol

— narrative__gap (@narrative_gap) June 9, 2014

At my house Only Mom Loves Raymond. #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 9, 2014

Treat the remote & all electronics like a pinball machine: push any & all buttons to wreak maximum havoc until all goes dark. #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 10, 2014

What's that? You want a clear counter top at the expense of all utility & function? I'll send her right over. #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 12, 2014

"We are NEVER. EVER EVER. GETTING BACK TO your house! Whee-hee…!" #traffic #singalong #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 18, 2014

"Did you lock the door?" "Did you lock the door?" "Did you lock the door?" "Did you lock the door?" "Did you lock the door?" #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 19, 2014

Blinds taped shut, curtains drawn, windows locked, doors chained. Go menace some other house, suburbia. #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 20, 2014

Anybody else's parents sneeze at decibel level DEAFCON SONIC BOOM? #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 20, 2014

Her super power is sniffing at a "full" dishwasher & finding room for heaps & heaps more. Coulda been a Tetris champion. #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 20, 2014

(Points at clay Buddha left by last tenant.) "Let's get rid of him." "Yeah? I think it'd be bad luck." "We'll recycle him." #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 23, 2014

"What do you have to do this afternoon?" "Revise. Kill my darlings." "What, like they do on 48 Hours?" #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 21, 2014

"I need to borrow a robe." "Sure. Here." (Yells from inside bathroom.) "Here comes Mrs. Roper!" #momcameinjune

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 26, 2014

Mom confessed to watching so many Everyone Loves Raymonds that @netflix "boxed me out."
She's dead serious & really sheepish. #PureMichigan

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) September 20, 2016

Mom: "Here's Dad at the Dollar Store…
'How much is this?'
'How much for this?'
'What abt this?'
"This too? No kidding!'
'Judy! How much…

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) February 19, 2017

If you give Mom a present & she goes to the trouble to register it, you know you've done well. You also know Dad's not allowed to touch it.

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) December 17, 2016

Friend: "My Mom was such a helicopter parent."
Me: "Huh. Mine was like a paper airplane parent."

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) February 25, 2017

I really needed my Mom today, in her role as Reject Catcher in the dressing room. It sucks hanging up your own rejects.

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) July 10, 2017

Find someone who looks for you like my Mom looks for a George Foreman at Goodwill.

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) January 23, 2017

Mom found an exact replica of her broken-down George Foreman fm Goodwill… at Goodwill. Pure joy. Removable plates = imperative. Who knew?

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) January 23, 2017

Trying to get Mom to fly in to fold these fitted sheets. #ninja #splinterskills

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) January 15, 2017

My Mom wants a huge granite dollop of whipped cream on her gravestone.

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) January 3, 2017

Tripped, half-stepped on a hosta and heard my mother (who is in another state) scream.

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 13, 2017

Status: Mom refusing to move while her Fitbit charges. #PureMichigan

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) September 18, 2016

"I feel ludicrous riding around in Dad's truck."
Mom: "Well I feel like Ludacris."#PureMichigan pic.twitter.com/UMBScOTyHn

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) September 17, 2016

You should really consider this pressure cooker.
Mom: "No thanks. We're under enough pressure here already."

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) July 13, 2016

*answers phone*
Hello? Is there an emergency?
Mom: "No."
But you've called twice.
Mom: "Twice is desperation. Three times is an emergency."

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) July 12, 2016

Here's my Mom imitating her own and everyone else's husband when telling a story. pic.twitter.com/dF7TOJ6M30

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) April 16, 2016

Mom: "Your father's power-watching that show Better Call Saul. I told him, 'Make your own show & call it Better Beg Gregg!"

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) February 19, 2016

Mom, never a fan, whispering to me as the Starkiller Base superweapon collapses & explodes: "Well! No sequels." #ForceAwakens

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) January 3, 2016

"And 70 sucks." #Mom pic.twitter.com/XuIDrjoOWU

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) January 3, 2016

"I can believe it's not butter." ~Mom

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) May 24, 2015

Current status: Mom recounting details of the latest murder mystery she watched using her "48 Hours" AAA Diamond Member VIP All-Access Pass.

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) January 2, 2016

Me, smearing my latest beauty regimen on Mom's face: "You're gonna look 10 years younger."
Mom: "Sure, but am I gonna look $100 younger?"

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) September 5, 2015

What are you guys doing today?
"Lotta projects. We got our fingers in a lot of pots. More like, we got our fingers in a lot of dykes." #Mom

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 21, 2015

"Hey. Let's hear about your date last night. Tell me two truths and a lie." #Mom

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) June 20, 2015

Dad & I feasting on basement pizza, grinning, eyes fixed on Guardians of the Galaxy.
Out of nowhere, Mom: "Is this movie stupid or what?"

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) December 28, 2014

Me: "What a PITA."
Mom: "I know, sweetie. What a pity."

— Lynne Blaszak (@girlgloaming) October 1, 2014